First, I am no pastor. Although it is my job, the pastoring part is not what I’m really good at. So I’ll give you my thoughts in 2 regards below, but know that they are as an introverted, mostly socially awkward individual who is far more at home organizing an event or analyzing a problem than dealing with people.
1. Helping those who are in pain or suffering – I think my favourite passage in regards to this is from Romans 12:15 - Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. I’m more apt to offer a few kind words of comfort in a tough time, than to talk too much. Unless the situation warrants, I’m likely to sit by and be a presence more than offer what I think are important words. Frankly, I think that more people offering comfort should just be quiet and keep their words to themselves. I think that a great deal of hurt has been done by people who impose their ego and importance on those who are hurting in a tough time (the hurting person is an easy target for the one who needs to help others). So how do we respond? I’m apt to say – be quiet. Job 38 says: “Who is this that obscures by plans with words without judgement?” Yet….I have a friend named Pete that is an incredible Pastor (in the real sense). He can tell you that you are the dumbest person alive, and you’ll want to be his best friend. So after my rant, I really think that our response has to be based on our gifting. Lastly, I don’t want this too sound corny, or a cop out – but I think it has to do with God’s honest prompting too. There are times we need to be a conduit for God to speak to others. I think that forces out of our comfort zone to speak words we might otherwise not speak, words that may not find their home in this person for a long time (or ever). In summary, I think we should speak exceptionally cautiously, and only at God’s leading.
2. Living pain and suffering – I think that pain and suffering has a place in our lives too (the lives of believers). For years now I’ve felt that a key reason that God allows pain and suffering in the lives of believers is so that they can model hope in the midst of despair to a world that has little hope in the midst of despair. How I handle failure, frustration, sin, pain and suffering has to point to Jesus and to something more than being caught up in whatever situation it is that I’m in. I’m learning this with our real estate stuff. We currently have 2 places to rent out, and if we don’t, we’ll end up paying the mortgages until they are rented out. The first time this happened I was totally stressed out. As I have thought about it, I really believe that we are on the path God has for us, and if we are merely following God, then our attitude needs to reflect that God is leading the journey and will do what he needs to in his time (aka peace). I don’t think this is mis-placed trust or faith, but an appropriate response God’s leading in our lives. I hope that I’m being an accurate reflection of how to live in these circumstances. I think this applies to real pain and suffering too (of which I do not believe I have experience, or not much of anyway). Do we really believe that God can redeem all circumstances for good (a la Romans 8:28 – written in the context of suffering itself)?
I also want to push this one step farther as Colin asked “How can the Church do to speak into the lives of people in pain?” I think this goes to 1 Cor 12. A body acting well will have people who can play the main roles someone needs. Those who can listen, those who can motivate, those who can say difficult words, those who can organize food, or clean-up, or babysitting. I think this is where the Body is shown at its finest, coming together to embrace pain and suffering, as well as those experiencing pain and suffering in a way unknown or unfathomable to the world around us. I guess at times I am sceptical of those on TV who have something horrific happen to them (like a child murdered) and then profess they have no rage or malice toward the perpetrator. I am sceptical because I don’t know them – but what if they are sincere and that is really the case. I would love to be a part of a group that could bring such calm and focus and direction in such a terrible time. I think the group that has the potential for that is the Body of Christ.
Those are my thoughts. I hope I have done you all proud
Scott
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11 comments:
I've been on both sides of this issue over the past two years, mostly on the watching the pain side. 90% of the situations have been related to friends and myself losing a baby/pregnancy. We lost our first pregnancy at 3 months 2 1/2 years ago and it hurt like nothing else I've ever experienced. The pain of losing not only a baby, but hopes and dreams as well was terrible. Since then I've had too many friends lose their babies late in pregnancy. I think their pain is on a whole different level than mine ever was. Their hopes and dreams were a lot more solid than ours were; they were past the 'dangerous' 3 month stage and were allowing themselves to dream freely. My lastest friend's loss was the toughest. Life is not being fair to her. Losing two babies at once should never be allowed to happen. I questioned God a lot. Why, oh why did this have to happen to her? Why, in His infinite power, did he not save those babies? He's big enough, He's powerful enough...so why? Did He let them die? Or somehow was this situation out of God's hands? Is that possible? When she was praying so hard and trusting God so much, why didn't He step in and do something? Why not a miracle to show His awesome power and love and mercy?
In my heart I know that God didn't do this to her, that he didn't want it to happen, that he has been grieving with her since the deaths. In a situation like this, what is God's role? How on earth do we reconcile everything we believed about God when we pray/ask (..thinking 'and it shall be given unto you'..) and are given death?
Jinny, I’ve been struggling with the same issue as well. It seems like such an old simplistic question, “If God is so good, why does he allow suffering?” I find myself more and more dissatisfied with the status quo answers. As Christians we pray in faith that God will answer, and when he does, we shout for joy from the mountain tops and we have the person up in front of the church telling the whole congregation all about it. However, when God doesn’t answer, when he says no, and especially in a tragic situation, we don’t put the victim in front of the congregation to talk about it. Rather, we simply dismiss it and come up with some cliché reason as to why this happened. We’ve all heard these reasons given out before: It’s a result of the “fall”; There was some sin in the person’s life…perhaps we didn’t pray enough, or we didn’t have enough faith…we weren’t praying for exactly what God wanted to do…or if none of those line-up, the catch all - God still has a plan and will use this for good. Well, if you are the victim of the situation, those reasons are of little comfort. When you lose someone suddenly very dear to you, thinking that person’s death was in God’s plan does little for the grief of the common person.
Why, if prayer is so powerful and we spend so much time praying and believing that God will answer us, do we have all these allowances and justifications for the unanswered prayers? The Ancient people in their religions had their own explanations as to why a certain omen, divination, or prayer would turn out to be untrue or unanswered (the person doing the divination didn’t wash properly, prophecy was misread, false prophet, etc). When we look at that, we immediately think, ‘well of course they had to have excuses for the gods, because divination was completely random at best’. But then, we have to turn around and look at ourselves in the mirror. It seems that our own explanations as to why God doesn’t answer prayers in the positive, especially when they pertain to very dire situations, would be just as equally ‘excuses’ for God. Is prayer simply a way of coping with our situations? Does God really answer our prayers? Is God so far removed that he will not intervene in these situations? I am no longer content to accept the standard answers to these questions. I find the ‘excuses’ to be less than adequate and I find myself very often wondering, am I just deluding myself into a false sense of hope when I pray? Perhaps the answer that best resonates with me lies in a quote form the movie Shadowlands, which was about the life of C.S. Lewis, that I’m sure most people are familiar with. He had just received some news that his wife, who was terminally ill, was doing better.
Harry: Christopher can scoff, Jack, but I know how hard you've been praying; and now God is answering your prayers. C. S. Lewis: That's not why I pray, Harry. I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God, it changes me.
Trev, your comment about how we respond in our churches regarding answered and unanswered prayer is insightful and telling. You're absolutely correct that we have almost no structure or capacity in Western evangelicalism to really embrace the idea of lament. This is sad, really, when you read the OT Wisdom Lit and there is so much there about lament. Walter Bruggemann has been instrumental in biblical studies in his ability to bring forward the validity and vital nature of lament, particularly in the Psalms. He sees our ability to cry out in anger to God as one of the most important features of our relationship to God. I just wish we could let that sentiment filter into our congregations without giving in to the temptation to neuter it in the process by offering frustrating and unhelpful platitudes alongside our half-hearted laments.
Is it possible that one of our problems is that we have adopted a Greek conception of divine sovereignty? Is it really legitimate, or even biblical, to suggest that God can do anything he wishes in any circumstance? I know Openness Theology tries to resolve some of these questions, but evangelicalism tends to look on it as some kind of wicked heresy (openness contends that the future is unfixed and that God exists within time, as do all things...time is an irreducible ontological category in wordy terms). Like all of you I don't have any really good, fixed answers to this problem.
But I will say, experientially, that when we lost our first pregnancy I found my faith very helpful, and not at all problematic. I struggle with this question when other people hurt, but never yet when I hurt. When I hurt I pray and cry out to God and that helps me.
I will also say, however, that I don't see what atheism or agnosticism offers on this front either...apart from some kind of honest despair, that is.
Dustin, Jon, if you have time, what are your thoughts?
I'm swamped right now (helping some family move, spent day in hospital with sick child, starting new job, etc) but if you don't move on too fast I'll be back for comment.
All I can say (having read nothing so far) is LAMENTATION.
i appreciate scott's post, empathize with jinny's, and can relate with trevor's. what i wanted to say has been said by colin.
but i want to comment further on something trevor wrote. he said:
"We’ve all heard these reasons given out before: It’s a result of the “fall”; There was some sin in the person’s life…perhaps we didn’t pray enough, or we didn’t have enough faith…we weren’t praying for exactly what God wanted to do…or if none of those line-up, the catch all - God still has a plan and will use this for good. Well, if you are the victim of the situation, those reasons are of little comfort. When you lose someone suddenly very dear to you, thinking that person’s death was in God’s plan does little for the grief of the common person."
i'm not sure these should be thought of as answers which will "comfort", but as a context for the suffering; as a place from which to view the grief. farbeit we take or try to take away the grief. what we need is to find love and peace along with or through it.
"blessed are those who mourn. for THEY will be comforted."
i agree, too often we make excuses for God in church when we ought to bringing him our laments in faith. desperate faith.
the churches í've been in that do this are rich. this honesty in worship makes the celebration times all the richer too.
the churches i can't stand have flatlined on happy.
one of the "answers" i'm not sure gets mentioned enough is the one alluded to (unintentionally but powerfully) in the writing of a Jewish holocaust survivor, Elie Wiesel, reflecting on the low point of his experience:
"The SS seemed more preoccupied, more disturbed than usual. To hang a young boy in front of thousands of spectators was no light matter. The head of the camp read the verdict. All eyes were on the child. He was lividly pale, almost calm, biting his lips. The gallows threw its shadow over him. . . . The three necks were placed at the same moment within the nooses. ‘Long live liberty!’ cried the two adults. But the child was silent. ‘Where is God? Where is He?’ someone behind me asked. At a sign from the head of the camp, the htree chairs tipped over. Total silence throughout the camp. On the horizon, the sun was settting. . . . We were weeping. . . . Then the march past began. The two adults were no longer alive. Their tongues hung swollen, blue-tinged. But the third rope was still moving; being so light, the child was still alive. . . . For more than half an hour he stayed there, struggling between life and death, dying in slow agony under our eyes. And we had to look him full in the face. He was still alive when I passed in front of him. His tongue was still red, his eyes were not yet glazed. Behind me, I heard the same man asking: ‘Where is God now?’ And I heard a voice within me answer him: ‘Where is he? Here He is—He is hanging here on this gallows. . . .” (Elie Wiesel, Night, 61-62)
Elie Wiesel meant that for him God was dead. I think that in Christ we can see the thing take on a real truth . . .
i agree with scott. ithink we suffer with. or at easrt that's what Christ does. i fall short.
Okay. I'm with you all, here, I think. Silence. Lament. Etc. Yup. We can't gloss over suffering or rationalize it away.
One thing keeps nagging at me though. That thing is that God has still spoken into suffering. I think that there has to be a place, even in the midst of suffering, to speak that Word.
A rather banal example will have to suffice. I was at the graveside service for the burial of a saintly Christian a few years ago. The man who passed away left behind his wife and family. This was not a dramatic death; the fellow was quite old etc. Nevertheless, for his widow and family, this was still a sad day. What caught me was the power of the simple words read by the minister (a good C&MA minister, no less). He merely read a passage from Thessalonians, reflected briefly on the promise of resurrection, and commented on the grief of those who have hope. It wasn't glittery or fancy. But it was true. That changed things. Did it take the pain away? Nope. But it was true. I'm glad he didn't keep silent. I'm glad that he mourned with those who mourned, but also had the courage to point to God's Word in the situation. I suppose he could have flubbed it up big time... but to do that he'd have to put himself in the way of God's Word and try to be the healer himself. Instead, he simply pointed to the one who was the resurrection and the life.
All I'm trying to say is that I don't think we should underplay the speaking of God's Word in the midst of suffering. (I don't hear anyone denying this... but maybe we could say it a bit clearer and louder).
amen dustin.
i've been at such services as well. good stuff.
i've also seen a funeral where there was so much "sweet by and by" there seemed no room to grieve. left me angry, actually. or at least like I was out of the loop.
we gotta remember that even before he healed lazarus Jesus left days for grief, and stopped to cry himself. in fact, he was upset. i think if we aren't upset by death and suffering we are not appreciating how much it upsets our God.
i don't want to use the word "balance", but there has to be a sensitivity, a humanity, and also the Word, like Dustin has said.
how about some theory-meets-situation talk?
a) so what is the appropriate way to handle it when all around you there are difficult pregnancies, stillbirths, and so on, and you have a healthy baby? how does a community celebrate and grieve in the same breath? or does it? does it have to subdue both impulses so as not to "offend"? or can it find a way to grieve without piling guilt; or celebrate without being insensitive? is this kind of community possible?
b) yesterday almost my entire day in the church office was taken over by a death of someone associated with our church. i was called on in my second week there to take someone to the funeral home to get some answers they could take back to the family---all of them in Canada as a second home. it was difficult. i do not think i was very sensitive at all. how do i know what tiny actions of mine communicate either empathy or callousness within the cultural milieu? frankly all i could do was help with practical concerns and try to offer some sincerity. but i think there was no way i was going to be able to do the latter perfectly. people were suffering, and all i could do for them was talk on and on about what would be done with the body. that's my given role so far in this particular situation. basically looking like a fool repeatedly while trying to explain local customs and discern what this by-nature very deferential and humble family is going to want to do.
there are no good fuzzy feelings at the end of a day like that. only groans that words can't express.
I appreciate all of your thoughts guys. They've been helpful.
As for Jon's theory-meets-situation talk...I don't know how a community could celebrate and grieve in the same breath. I think that first we would have to learn what it truly means to grieve and perhaps after that we would know how to really celebrate. I wonder if we're all too scared to learn these things (mostly the grieving) and so don't do either authentically, erring on the side of being subdued. Though I don't know that I could celebrate my getting pregnant(which I am NOT) with my friend who just lost her babies. It would feel like I was flaunting it, even though I wouldn't be. I think we'd both be struggling: her with wanting to be happy for me, and me wanting to be sensitive to her grief/loss. So ya, I don't know that you can truly celebrate and grieve at once. It would be nice to be that emotionally 'mature'.
I can't imagine how difficult yesterday must have been for you Jon.
yeah, i hear ya jinny.
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