I have recently been thinking about a certain issue which I would like to bring up on this blog and see what the rest of you think. I know that this hasn’t been approved by the 4712 deity (aka Toffelguy) but I’m sure he won’t mind if I go over his helmet on this one. It is really an issue regarding parenting. It’ll be a couple of examples and then my two cents.
I was recently talking with a Dad (whom I will call Joe) of two girls (aged 21 and 17) whom we shall name Ethel (21) and Gertrude (17). Joe would talk very differently depending on which daughter he was talking about. Gertrude just so happened to have just come home from a missions trip to El Salvador where she helped in the construction of a school building. Her boyfriend, whom Joe foresees her marrying, is about to leave for 3 months to go to Brazil to work in an orphanage. Joe is obviously very proud and considers this daughter to be up to his standards for a good Christian girl. Ethel, whom I attended Alpha with and who I found to be a very delightful young woman, has some issues with drug abuse and is currently living in Regina. Now this is somewhat of an extreme example. Joe was very blatantly comparing his two daughters in a way that I found uncomfortable. “Gertrude is always thinking, always coming to me for advice. I foresee her and her boyfriend getting married and going into the mission field. Ethel, well, she just gets our hopes up sometimes just to dash them, I think just for fun.” Those two sentences came right after each other.
Although I realize that no parent wants to see their son or daughter doing drugs, I felt that his obvious comparison of his two daughters was very painful. He gives off a very strong impression that he is proud of his missions minded daughter and ashamed of his daughter who is struggling (even if he isn’t ashamed, this is the aura that was portrayed).
As well, I have noticed a somewhat general trend amongst Fundamentalist Evangelical parents (mine excluded). If asked about their kids, they inevitably bring up the ones that are in full time ministry with pride and those who are involved in some sort of non-ministerial career are presented as somewhat sub-par (again I reiterate that my parents are wonderful people who have always supported my brother and I in all of our endeavours, no matter how crazy). There seems to be some sort of sub-cultural trend amongst evangelicals which places those in full-time ministry on a pedestal above those who work as meagre secular employees.
These two thoughts led me to another train of thought (which is not entirely profound, but something to think about) regarding the nature of teenagers. If one takes a quick glance at a typical youth group (and I am thinking back to mine as well) it is somewhat evident that teenagers have a great faith in God, one that often surpasses more mature people in the church. One reason I think that this is the case is in regard to the tendencies of most teenagers. Teens have a tremendous need to belong to a group, to feel accepted by a group of peers. Once they do feel they belong within their group, that group in and of itself becomes almost a single entity that moves along as a single mass. For example, within a youth group, the decision to become baptized is hardly an individual decision. Perhaps one person decides to get baptized, but sure as shootin’ there’s going to be a whole flock of friends within the group who will follow. This has been exemplified recently at our local Alliance church with the bombardment of teenage baptisms that have taken place. Teenagers find their identity as a group, whatever group that happens to be. That being said, if a certain teenager finds their acceptance within a different kind of group that is not a church youth group (ie. the druggie crowd) , then they will follow the leading of that group. It is for this reason that many parents are so concerned that their kids go to youth group and fall in with the right crowd as many believe that this will set the trend for the rest of their lives.
Although I do feel it is important to have good friends as a teenager in order to stay out of trouble, I would argue that the trends set as a teenager are not the ones which will last for the rest of their lives. When you are a teenager, your thinking generally revolves around your friends and the group. However, after graduating from High School, I feel it is at this point that people realize just how silly the cliques and groups were that existed in High School. It is then that people begin to mature intellectually (although everybody matures at a different rate). It seems that most people start to think for themselves at this point and I believe that these are the critical years rather than the teenage years.
Joe seems to think that Ethel is beyond hope, that the trends she set in high school are the ones that she will maintain for her whole life. I humbly suggested to him that she is not beyond hope and that people mature at different rates. I offered examples of certain people whom I know that were in the druggie crowd in high school that after a number of years after graduation, matured, turned their lives around, and began to live ‘just and upright’ lives. This seemed to be of some comfort to him as he hadn’t actually thought of that possibility.
So, two points here. The first is pointed towards parents (myself included) to be proud of your kids and support them no matter what they are doing vocationally. Being a missionary is not better than being an oil worker. The second is regarding raising our kids as teenagers. Does having your teenager in youth group guarantee that they will grow up being righteous and Godly people? Does having your kid fall into the wrong crowd in High school guarantee that they will be drug addicts for the rest of their lives? The answer to both of those questions is no. I for one, would not want my child to live a life of faith in High School simply because the rest of the youth group was doing so (I know that is a gross generalization). I personally think that the ‘critical years’ are not the teenage years, but the years where people begin to develop their personality as an individual apart from the influence of the group, because that is who they are eventually going to be.
I made many gross generalizations throughout this rant and I realize that people can cite specific examples that point to the opposite direction. I am merely addressing an issue that is prevalent amongst fundamentalist evangelicals.
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3 comments:
Trev, those are some great thoughts. I agree that many evangelical parents are like that. I'm glad that there are lots like yours who aren't.
I agree that the years after high school are very formative, but I have to say that I think the ones in high school are too. I think that while in our high school years we tend to gather information, check out different lifestyles (or maybe just one) and then after high school is where it solidifies. Though I think that how you are raised through out your whole life is where you'll most likely end up.
I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately in light of our kids from the church in Regina. They were (and are) an amazing bunch of people. Most of them came from non-Christ following families and the majority of them followed God with all their hearts. They really did love Him and seek Him (excuse the Christianese), and worship with their whole hearts. They were incredible. After we left, they stopped going to church and I don't think any of them are actively Christ followers anymore. Only the kids from Christian families are still following Christ (to my knowledge). It breaks my heart cause I KNOW that they experienced God in high school and I wonder what they think of all that now. I think they are different people because of it, and they know it's a choice that's always open to them. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if we'd stayed there and saw them through the transition to university...would've/should've/could've...
Maybe the true formative years are different for everyone. It's sad that the father you spoke of is giving up so easily on his daughter.
Sorry if this sounded rambling...
It's so easy to compare our kids isn't it? Yet the goal is to find the strengths in each of them and encourage them in those areas as they grow up into adulthood. As I'm sure most parents would say, our girls could not possible be any more different from each other. One is petite, one is not. One is wild and crazy, the other is more reserved and conservative. They are just night and day from each other.
Because of these differences in their personalities we need to adjust our parenting to cater to their individuality. Yet this does not mean that I love either of them any less/more than the other. We love them differently because they are different.
Trev, I know that your example of baptism in a youth group is spot on. I was one that hesitated and wanted to do it in my own time. I remember Todd coming up and asking me why I didn't want to participate with "everyone else". Simply because I didn't want to be a sheep. I wanted to make that committment when I knew that it was for me and not anyone else.
I think the high school years were the foundation for my faith now. Yes it has been changed greatly from the unquestioned faith that I had then, but my relationship with God is what it is now because of those years. Is it possible to live a life "of sin" (more Christianese) during those years and later find God? Absolutely. But I do agree that the Church tends to look down on those people. Which is very unfortunate.
For me it is a pretty pertinent issue you've raised. We have two boys 18 months apart and we have just had twin boys to add to things. Already the twins are different. How do you celebrate differences without showing what seems like favortism? How do you deal with different challenges, and discipline accordingly, and even share honest prayers with your close friends without making it sound like one is "better" or more "favoured" than the other? We will surely be thinking about this A LOT in our house in the years to come.
One thing I'll say is that I'm going to be careful how I talk about my kids in groups. I can trust a close friend to GET IT if I am lamenting about how one of my kids is behaving at present, to not jump to the conclusion that I prefer the other children. I'm not sure I want to just speak stuff like this broadly or publicly. Too much opportunity for misunderstanding or hearsay and so on. I have to treat my kids like adults. I wouldn't lament or chide the behaviour of an adult friend or relative flippantly or publicly, so why should kids be fair game for such slander?
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My mother in law has done a great thing lately. People always come up to us in stores and ask about our baby twins. What are their names? And my mother in law has got us in the habit of answering not only with the babies' names but by introducing the older ones as well.
Inevitably people stop you and talk to you about their differences too. One has less smooth skin than the other, one is bigger than the other, one sleeps better, one is more temeramental. But how would we feel if we were overhearing such talk about us? I think we again have to imagine if we were in the kids place.
I can't stand it when people treat me as if I'm the same as my brothers. C'mon, I'm thinking, we all know Dave is a better storyteller and the life of the party, and we all know Jeff is the great musician, and Darcy is ripped and could twist me into a pretzel, so don't insult me by not noticing or commenting on such things. But it kind of depends how you say it. If I tell a story you don't take that moment to remind me that my brother tells it better. And so on . . .
I think recognizing differences and comparing/sizing up can be two different things, and as always there is probably no black and white principle we come out of this with: More like a heads up to be loving and sensitive and never to write anyone off and not to focus solely on the negative etc....
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One thing I'll say in conclusion is that I think we're dreaming if we think this is an evangelical problem. This is a problem, period. We see evangelical parents struggling with this too, but that's because they are people, not necessarily because they are evangelical.
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Also, I have said enough things in public that could be misunderstood to be pretty ready to give parents the benefit of the doubt when I overhear them at the mall. If I've got two boys at the mall and I'm having a bad day and one of them is the cause of it and I say "____ you are being a problem today and I want you to cooperate like your brother" maybe I could find a better choice of words on that occasion but it isn't necessarily a contextually inappropriate thing to say, nor does it necessarily mean I make a habit of comparing the two kids all the time, with one always having to live up to the other. Those would be problems to watch out for, but I can't always tell in the mall whether the person I'm overhearing is a brutal parent or just having one of those days.
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I imagine we'll do this well at some times and poorly at others, but my wife and I are hoping to properly celebrate our twins as twins, and yet as separate individuals too. I have a feeling that won't always be easy. I dread the idea of how much therapy my kids will need once they leave home. God have mercy!
..... Anyway, I think I'm done. I guess that wasn't totally on topic the whole time, but there was lots that Trevor's post triggered in my mind! . . .
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